The Premier League club’s player liaison officer will sort out banking facilities as well as go house-hunting and help buy flash cars for arrivals.
The Magpies, the richest outfit in the world since their Saudi-backed take-over in October, will even get the new staffer to help religious stars find a place to worship.
Newcastle, who are currently second bottom in the Premier League table, are expected to splash the cash in this month’s transfer window to ensure they do not go down.
England full-back Kieran Trippier, 31, is about to sign for around £12million from Atletico Madrid.
A job advert from St James’ Park said the employee will “act as a point of contact for first-team arrivals to support their transition”.
They want someone to “arrange house viewings, handle lettings, open bank accounts and arrange insurance and utilities”.
The candidate must also “maintain a sound understanding of different faiths and religions”.
Any applicant must be educated to at least GCSE level and maintain “confidentiality at all times” while attending all home games.
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Newcastle fan Shaun Smith said: “The team have been s*** all season and we’re stuck in the relegation zone, so it sticks in the craw to think the team is being rewarded with a lackey.
“But we’re desperate to attract superstars — so maybe throwing an odd-job man in will do the trick.”